Tired and in pain

I am so tired of being in pain. Every morning, I wake up wanting to die. I hobble like an old lady, hardly able to move my hips and feet. I shuffle along trying to stretch out the pain. Every breath hurts. Inside and out it hurts. Aching on the out and burning on the inside. As the medicine kicks in and I start moving around, getting the "cobwebs" off, things get better. But it is so hard to wake up when that is what you face. Hours of pain. I am so tired of it. During the night, I wake up feeling that the breath has been sucked out of me and that I am one with the mattress. I feel that my body can't hold itself up, as if the steel rods are the only thing that keep me from collapsing into mush. No muscles guide me or protect me from the pain and movements like they used to. My day faces me and it is nothing but what has to be done. Physical therapy, pick up Kristen, oversee dinner, hand out with Kristen, read, go to bed. From one day to another, I cannot remember what I have or have not done. I can't remember from hour to hour. It is hard to come up with the right words. I am a bundle of stress. I can be nice one minute and then snappy the next. I put pressure on my husband, so much pressure. He shoulders my pain, my snappiness, all of it. He does everything he can for me, but it is never enough because he cannot heal me. I had so many hopes and dreams that I lost. They need to be replace with new ones but I cannot think of anything to hope or dream about. Nothing fits into my painful life. As a single Mom with a crazy, busy professional life, and a semi-bad back, when I felt I could no longer go on, I would think about how great it would be to be on disability. Especially towards the end when my pain was so bad. I thought the pain came from working too much (sitting and craning my head on the computer). To give into my pain and just let others take care of me. Little did I realize that my pain would be there even without working.