Tired and in pain

I am so tired of being in pain. Every morning, I wake up wanting to die. I hobble like an old lady, hardly able to move my hips and feet. I shuffle along trying to stretch out the pain. Every breath hurts. Inside and out it hurts. Aching on the out and burning on the inside. As the medicine kicks in and I start moving around, getting the "cobwebs" off, things get better. But it is so hard to wake up when that is what you face. Hours of pain. I am so tired of it. During the night, I wake up feeling that the breath has been sucked out of me and that I am one with the mattress. I feel that my body can't hold itself up, as if the steel rods are the only thing that keep me from collapsing into mush. No muscles guide me or protect me from the pain and movements like they used to. My day faces me and it is nothing but what has to be done. Physical therapy, pick up Kristen, oversee dinner, hand out with Kristen, read, go to bed. From one day to another, I cannot remember what I have or have not done. I can't remember from hour to hour. It is hard to come up with the right words. I am a bundle of stress. I can be nice one minute and then snappy the next. I put pressure on my husband, so much pressure. He shoulders my pain, my snappiness, all of it. He does everything he can for me, but it is never enough because he cannot heal me. I had so many hopes and dreams that I lost. They need to be replace with new ones but I cannot think of anything to hope or dream about. Nothing fits into my painful life. As a single Mom with a crazy, busy professional life, and a semi-bad back, when I felt I could no longer go on, I would think about how great it would be to be on disability. Especially towards the end when my pain was so bad. I thought the pain came from working too much (sitting and craning my head on the computer). To give into my pain and just let others take care of me. Little did I realize that my pain would be there even without working.

Today

Each time I post, I will post something about my past to help me heal and then I will post something about my present that is lighthearted and fun!

Today I purchased a coffee table for $35 from Craig's list- what a bargain! Now I have somewhere to put my feet when I sit on the couch. I attempted to finish making the throw pillows for the couch but my back seized up on me and I was unable to even complete one. Maybe tomorrow...

We are loving our new car- Lincoln Navigator. It is great! The side rails pull out when you unlock the doors so it is super easy to get into and the back hatch raises and shuts automatically. Both are great backsavers.

Well, I am off to so some reading and relaxing!

About me

Where in the world do I start? How do I define myself? What would others say about me? I think the best place to start is with an overall history of myself. I was born 33 years ago in Nashville, Tennessee. I moved to Abilene, Texas at six months of age. I am the middle child and have 2 sisters. My parents are still married. At 6 years old, we moved to Waco, Texas. At age 15, I was diagnosed with severe scoliosis. A few months later, I had a huge operation to correct and stabilize the deformity. This was a life changing event. The surgery was horribly painful and the recovery was tremendously long. I missed lots of school and never found my place back with my friends. I fell into the wrong crowd and made a bunch of lousy decisions. At age 19, I gave birth to my daughter and this again changed my life. I had to start making wise decisions. I raised her alone, with no help from the biological father or his family. My family and friends helped as much as possible. I obtained my undergraduate accounting degree and graduate accounting degree from Baylor University and accepted a highly sought after position at Deloitte and Touche in Dallas. I did my best to balance my career and daughter's needs but I still lacked in the emotional development area. I had a few quite turbulent relationships that I deeply regret. I just wanted to be loved and would give anything to have that love. Little did I know that I had the greatest love of all right under my nose- that of God and my daughter. At age 27, my spine started deteriorating (steel rods only have about a 10-12 year life) and I had to have another monster surgery to remove the metal rods and hooks. I recuperated and was back to work within 4 months. I downgraded my career by moving back to Waco, Texas, bought a house, and accepted a job as a CPA at a local CPA firm. The change was primarily necessary because I could no longer work the long hours or drive the long commutes because of my back problems. At age 28, I married the man of my dreams, Ken. He is a professional baseball pitching coach for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (used to play for the White Sox, Cubs, and the Angels). He is currently coaching the Double A Arkansas Travelers' pitchers. At age 32, I had the most massive reconstructive spinal surgery yet, because I developed fixed thoracic kyphosis above the fused section of vertebrae that they made due to the scoliosis. It was a two day surgery with a halo. I am now fused from T1-L4. I have two 24 inch rods, and 27 three inch screws that hold my spine up. An entire vertebrae was removed (vertebrae columnar resection) and a cage now holds together that space. I have been in recovery for a year now and am still disabled. I am writing this blog to share some of my experiences, since putting thoughts to paper can help you heal. I am also writing this blog in the hope that I can meet people with similar experiences. I want to share the faith I have in God and share the fear of permanent disability. I will share my reality and my past, as I see it and saw it, and hope that this sharing will heal the deep core of my spirit that has been numbed and maybe help heal someone else too.